Refrain from buffet bobbing.
Limit fruitcake frisbee to cocktail hour only.
Keep utensils out of your nostrils.
Never belch in incomplete sentences.
Treat with respect the gelatin desserts of your coworkers.
Heckling the company president during the big speech should be well planned out, including options for alternate places of employment.
Crawling underneath the table without written permission from Ilzak, Intergalactic Banquet Coordinator, is inappropriate.
Beginning any sentence with, "I know you're the boss's wife, but..." could result in early dismissal from the party.
Double dipping is optional, not required.
Begging for a raise without offering at least a crudité is considered gauche.
Slimnastics with John Goodman
Eat Everything, Including the Kitchen Sink by Liz Taylor
The Thinking Man's Guide to the Performing Arts by Hulk Hogan
Dick Clark's Secrets to Embalming the Living
The Complete Guide to Waxing -- and Loving -- Your Car by Dr. Ruth
Crime and "Punishment" by Judge Judy
How to Fit Lots of Stuff in Your Mouth by Mick Jagger, Carly Simon, and Steven Tyler
Beating the Legal System Twice in a Row? by O.J. Simpson
Michael Jackson's Guide to Love and Marriage, with a foreword by Johnny Carson
Suddenly a Well-Respected Actress by Brooke Shields
Office Party Etiquette
Leave only with the underwear you came with.
Literary gifts you'll definitely return
How to Win the Man/Woman of Your Dreams by Squinting Like Clint Eastwood
A Total Loser's New Year's Resolution
Join the search for extraterrestrial intelligence.
::
Get up before Jeopardy.
::
Move up the food chain --
from mooch to professional sponge.
::
Less flossing. More time on the Internet.
::
Get a life -- either my own or someone else's.
::
Acceptance into Mensa.
::
Tape over old "Dukes of Hazzard" videos.
::
Get re-elected president of the
"Beta is better than VHS" support group.
::
Quit second-hand smoking.
::
Cut back on harassing letters to Alex Trebek.
::
Complete my collection of
obscure Tom Jones' bootleg albums.
::
Tackle resolution backlog, beginning with 1987.
::
One word: Abdominizing!Uplifting Alternatives to
Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve
Caulking the tub.
::
Developing new cures for dry rot.
::
Counting the fibers in your Karastan.
::
Spending a quiet evening with Jack Kevorkian.
::
Darning old toupees.
::
Dropping cinder blocks on your head
(twelves, not eights).
::
Sleeping with the fishes.
::
Kicking out the lights
on all streets with even numbers.
Parietal Partitions :
:
Synapses ::
Gray Matter
Frontal Lobe ::
Temporal Lobe ::
Leopold & Loeb
Brain Tumor ::
Personality Disorders
Cerebrum ::
Shock Therapy ::
Psychogenic Fugue
Long Term Memory ::
Spinal Cord ::
Corporate Callosum
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