If we literally had ears of corn, we'd undoubtedly say: Well, that went in one corn and out the other. Hey, look me over, lend me a corn. Shhh...these walls have corns. Turn that damn music down -- it's corn-splitting! Oh honey, I think she's got your eyes and my corns. Johnny, it's cold outside. Don't forget your corn-muffs. I can't hear you...I've got a banana in my corn! Someone's definitely talking about me -- my corns are burning. Speak up, my corning aid is dead! When's the last time you actually cleaned your corn wax? Friends, Romans, Countrymen...lend me your corns. I'm not drunk; I have an inner-corn imbalance. I can't go in the pool today because I have swimmer's corn. You're cornitating the living daylights out of me! Keep your corn to the ground. Oh yeah...it was definitely within corn shot. Wow! Is that a corn-ring in your belly button? That band was so bad they should've given out free cornplugs! What an unnecessary cornful of information! Big deal! My dad's a Corn, Nose and Throat doctor.

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Country and Western Songs that didn't make the top 40 "My achin' baboon heart" "Wanna sink my teeth into a bottle of beer" "Dolly Parton, I'll make a woman of you yet" "(I'm leaving you, honey) 'Cause you smell like the stuff the flies love to kiss" "Why can't I love my sister?" "I'm buying a round of Southern Discomfort" "She left me sad and hungry at the pig roast last night"

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Unlucky fortune cookies The IRS will most likely audit you next year. Confucius says: Food poisoning runs rampant in this restaurant. Luck, prosperity and happiness are far from your reach. You will live in your parents' basement well into your fifties. A new opportunity will pass you by like a gust of wind. Help me...please...I'm being held captive in Bingham, Idaho. Do not remove fortune from cookie -- under penalty of death. This product contains 45% wall paper, 12% rat hair, and 43% polyester. Change your line of work...a lay-off is near. There's a bullet with your name on it. Although it sure tasted like it, that wasn't really chicken. There is no Confucius -- only Big Brother (and we're watching!). MSG? Oh we thought you said BVD!

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You know the relationship is doomed if any of the following opening lines are used: I'm into capital punishment, short walks, and unabashed games of hide-and-seek. Are you? If you leave, I'll be alone. My life's in danger. Please take me to your place and hide me under the covers. I'm the head roadie for Wayne Newton. Let's get out of here, and do things I'm going to say we did anyway! I must have a serious case of beer-goggles. You're everything I could ask for in a one-nighter! I'm in town for a couple of days, attending the obsessive-compulsive convention. Are my eyebrows okay?

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This is the 1990's. You know your relationship is getting serious when: You swap PIN numbers He lets you put your bookmarks in his browser He lets you hold the remote control She says she really doesn't mind if you smoke His and hers abdominizers She skips Frasier so you can watch Home Improvement You have connecting nipple rings You build a website together to announce your happiness You combine both of your Wired subscriptions into one She says you can stop using condoms

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You know it's over when... She asks for permission to pursue an affair. He's been listening to "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" on a daily basis. She hands you a resignation letter and gives two weeks notice. She's been running personals in your name. His mother suddenly becomes friendly. Hanging out with Dr. Kevorkian seems like a good alternative to going home. You say "I love you," and he responds with a shudder. She serves you ratatouille for dinner, then asks if the rat was done enough. Your head has been cut out of all the pictures in her photo album. "Hi honey, I'm home!" has slowly evolved into "Screw you! It's my house and I ain't leavin'!" When someone tells you what a nice couple you make, your wife begins laughing uncontrollably. He introduces you to his new girlfriend.

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Obscure clichés and proverbs Always a bridesmaid, never an usher. Eat all you can till the cows come home, then eat them too. It is better to give than to lend, but if you must lend, charge 19.8% interest. We cannot live by bread alone. However, with a little butter and some juice, we've almost got a complete breakfast. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but with my health insurance, I'm covered. Nature abhors a vacuum, but a dustbuster is tolerable. It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

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More Obscure Proverbs and Clichés Truth lies at the bottom of the well; jump in and see for yourself. Love laughs at locksmiths who forget their keys. There's no use in crying over spilled sulfuric acid. After a storm comes a calm and an insurance adjuster. Marriage is a lottery, and you picked the wrong numbers. When one door opens, another slams your thumb. First impressions are everlasting -- so this time wear your pants. Variety is the spice of life. Please pass the curry. Keep an immigrant seven years and you'll make them a citizen. Absence makes the heart grow fonder; stay away long enough and I'll love you forever. Silence is golden, so shut up already.

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Little known facts about the Unabomber ... Got caught because he was using FBI sketch as driver's license photo. Could build a bomb from such everyday items as lipstick, hairpins, and tax forms, but couldn't even figure out how to put windows in his cabin. Kaczynski in Polish means, "Hey, I'm the Unabomber." His manifesto was supposed to be sung to the tune of "If you think I'm sexy." As a high-schooler, he was known as the Unapincher. On mail bombs, he always used the old, fat Elvis stamps. If read backwards, his manifesto keeps repeating, "I buried Paul."

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BEYOND JAVA Computer scientists are already looking beyond Java to the next programming miracles. Some of these include: Capuccino: An amazing piece of software that does away with the need for a computer monitor completely! Capuccino converts any laser printer into a powerful holographic projector, creating 3-D computer displays you can actually walk through, just like on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Just don't try to print anything. Espresso: Drastically shortens processing time for complex mathematical equations with its proprietary "guesstimate" feature. Cafe au Lait: Unique browser which intuitively understands what Net users are really looking for. Regardless of the URL entered, Cafe au Lait goes directly to the Swedish Natural Sun Bathing and Volleyball home page. Taster's Choice: A promising Microsoft experiment that failed due to an unfortunate tendency to convert any document into an unbelievable love story involving two sadly caffeine-addicted middle-aged post-yuppie characters. Mocha: Now in beta testing, Mocha will allow the transmission of actual scents and aromas to any compatible Web browser. Capitalizing on this breakthrough technology, Calvin Klein is planning to introduce a fragrance called RAM, "The first men's toiletry inspired by the Internet experience." We understand that RAM, like Java, will be cross-platform.

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Little-Known Background Information About "Seinfeld" Jerry broke up with Elaine when he discovered she was having an affair with Newman. Jerry's oven has never been used. Jerry dates strictly beautiful women more as a result of it being his show than anything that might occur in his actual life. An upcoming episode will reveal that in a past life, George was French Revolution traitor, Rene Vandolay. Elaine's middle name is Portia. Kramer was peripherally involved in the Watergate break-in. It's true that only Jerry plays himself, but, strange as it may seem, Elaine's cousin on the show is Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Kramer taught remedial driver education for a summer in Rapid City, South Dakota. Elaine is down to 13 sponges.

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Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Unwilling to try new things in bed -- like her, for instance. In all their months of marriage, not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France, like Poppa did for Momma. Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation. The all-night Kool-Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that "hee-hee-hee" thing she fell in love with. She grew tired of scouring every Chuck-E-Cheese within 50 miles, only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.

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Guaranteed Successful Lifetime Network Movie of the Week Titles Not My Baby! Not Without My Baby! Don't Let Them Take My Baby! My Child Is Missing! Baby in Danger! When a Child Is Not Safe! Little Baby Lost! Just When We Thought the Baby Was Returned! Baby Child Gone! Who Will Find My Child? Abduction: When a Baby or Child Is Missing or Taken! I've Lost My Baby! (Oh Sure, I Could Have Another...But Still!) Who Let the Dingos in the Nursery? Unspeakable Acts: The Pilfered Babies of Rebecca Lawrence! My Baby Was Right Here a Minute Ago! Broken Promises: I Thought YOU Were Supposed To Watch Him!

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Why It Would Be Cool To Be Madonna's Kid Vast proliferation of "uncles" translates to gift-getting bonanza. Tired of the old mom? Propensity for make-overs means a "new mom" every month! Papa don't preach (or have any say at all, for that matter). No pesky last name to learn to spell. Listening to mom explain to your date just what her thinking was on that erotic picture book. That warm, nurtured feeling you get whenever you see those bright orange cones on the highway. We're living in a material world, and mom is a virtual cash cow. Mom very unaccustomed to saying "no."

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Ineffective Valentine's Day Sentiments Be My Valentine...and Nobody Gets Hurt. Won't You Be My Next Conquest? I Want You So Badly It Would Make You Sick! Interested in a Part-Time Career? Pretend to Like Me for $9.50 an Hour! If I Can't Dig Up Anyone Else ... Do Me the Honor of Being My Valentine? Here's Your Candy...Now Make Me Dinner. Please Be My Valentine While My Real Boyfriend's Away. My Investigation Into Your Personal Affairs Has Turned Up No Financial Problems or Medical Anomalies, So Might I Contract with You to Assume the Presently Unoccupied Position as My Valentine? Join the Huge and Ever-Growing Group of People I've Had Intimate Relations With! On This Most Romantic Day, Let Me Declare to the World...You'll Do. Sometimes the Utter Loneliness and Isolation Makes the Voices in My Head Tell Me to Do Things I Know Are Wrong. But Enough About Me...Will You Be My Valentine?

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Reasons NOT to Purchase Microsoft's Windows 95 You do not own a computer. You believe technology this advanced must surely be the work of "those spooky aliens." Throwing tantrums over the inefficiency of your inferior system is the only exercise you get. You're an individualist, and are perfectly happy with your current computer configuration, a six-ton UNIVAC system you keep in the barn. In a nautical emergency, it's virtually useless as a flotation device. You're afraid that buying "software" will cause people to question your masculinity. It won't bring Elvis back, or ensure a competitive Super Bowl. You are under the mistaken impression that it will make your butt look fat.

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Horribly Wrong Definitions (Please don't use these in educated company or competitive word games.) Dungaree -- Wild Australian dog-like creature, chiefly valuable for the denim pelt. (Usage: The dungaree ate my baby!) Murmur -- South American tree badger known for keeping late hours and spitting at passing birds. (Usage: The village prospered until that fateful day when it was overrun by murmurs.) Chicanery -- The ornate corn-and-bean sculptures found outside the caves of most Cro-Magnon families. (Usage: If you ask me, Grog is just going overboard on his chicanery to compensate for shortcomings elsewhere.) Sycophant -- An all-pachyderm ballet staged by the British in India during the 19th century "to bring culture to the outskirts of the Empire." (Usage: Derek and Graham had looked forward to the Easter Sycophant for months.) Bellicose -- The particular type of sugar used to make Ring Dings. (Usage: And now bellicose-fortified for extra, extra energy!) Ersatz -- Tiny, microscopic fleas found primarily on normal-sized fleas. (Usage: Well, if you didn't have a brain the size of an ersatz you might just remember my birthday one year!) Vindicate -- To drink cheap wine until one's senses become muddled. (Usage: Therefore, Your Honor, I feel the contract should be declared null and void, as my client was clearly vindicated.) Scabbard -- A form of head lice prevalent in Nebraska during the Depression. (Usage: Jonah was not allowed to play with the Wilsons, as the whole family was known to have scabbards.)

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Bad Airline Slogans Hell, We're Going There Anyway! We Cut Corners So Kids Fly Free! The Safest Flight Available in This Price Range. Now Drunken-Pilot Free! We Have to Be Careful...We Just Have This One Plane. Survivors Fly Half Price! We Fly Very Low...Just in Case. Special Reinforced Steel Seating for Fat People! (We Decide Who's Fat.) Now Staffed Entirely by Hunks and Babes!

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Things NOT To Say When Stopped For Speeding Barney Fife, I presume? Can I get you something to drink? On my world the velocity parameters are much more liberal. King. Rodney King. Can you actually get a seatbelt around that gut? No, this is NOT exploding blue dye on my face...I'm...I'm...a really big Colts fan. Do you mind? I'm on the phone here! My psychologist says I have to learn to challenge authority. So bite me, OK? Your fly's down, Rambo.

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Proposed Surgeon General and Product Warnings DANGER: Idiot at work. CAUTION: Regardless of what you have been told by the salesman, this VCR will NOT program itself. NOTE: This ice cream will almost certainly go directly to your thighs. CAUTION: Speaking into the wrong end of this telephone may simulate symptoms of muteness and deafness. NOTE: These goldfish will function best if submerged in water at all times. CAUTION: These sea monkeys will end up looking more like dust in the water than aquatic primates. NOTE: This Emergency Ward is compelled to treat you to the best of its ability, regardless of the state of your underwear. WARNING: This dog bites. CAUTION: This movie bites. ATTENTION: These pants are HUGE. An intensive regimen of exercise and diet should be undertaken by the wearer immediately. NOTE: This garment "never needs ironing" in the same sense that you never NEED to bathe or comb your hair.

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Signs You May Not Be In Your Company's Future You often see your name on the subject line of memos announcing meetings you're not invited to. Job applicants leaving interviews ask you which of the items in your work area belong to you. Your nickname at work is "Dead Wood." On your self-evaluation, the only good thing you can think of is "makes others feel superior by comparison." The coffee club wants you to pay two years in advance. You're given a paid holiday whenever important clients visit. Paper clips, staples, and Post-it notes are given to you one at a time on an "as needed" basis. You manage the New York Yankees. When you cash your paycheck the teller always says "what a surprise to see you!" You never get to bat at company softball games. Your 64-employee company has re-configured into nine highly organized teams of seven...and you.

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