Kingswood Kranium "Parietal Partitions"

Welcome to Kingswood Kranium, your one-stop Web site for the strange, the unbelievable, the blatantly untrue. Though many visitors may be unfamiliar with the specific workings of the human brain, rest assured that only the pretense of any actual knowledge is required here. The fact that you have reached this site (a complex process involving letters and punctuation, we're told) is evidence that you're probably too smart to be here in the first place. But enough about you, on with the specifics.

You may wish to begin with Synapses, short bursts of unrelated, unreliable, and irrelevant observations and factoids designed to perplex, puzzle, and yes, maybe even undo years of expensive formal education. As always, we hope to entertain you, but we will settle for making your neurons spontaneously combust. And when you think about it, what's more entertaining than that?

Take a scamper through our Gray Matter to find out just what's on our alleged minds this week. Ever have an annoying word or thought go through your mind all day long? Unless it's a serious and complicated mental anomaly, we can probably help out by suggesting more benign substitutes. Go ahead. What have you got to lose? You're probably mental anyway! Our hope, as always, is to instruct and entertain, but we will settle for making you ashamed to share our species.

The Frontal Lobe, like a frontal lobotomy, is really what you make of it. Why? Because you get to participate by entering the Kranium Kontest we've made up out of thin air. Each month one lucky winner walks off wearing a brand-spankin' new Kranium T-shirt, so it's not like you'll be wasting your time or anything. Hey, why not enter from your computer at work?

Did you know that the Temporal Lobe controls your hearing? (This may not actually be the case, but please play along for the sake of the narrative. Thank you.) We at Kranium constantly hear voices in our heads. It's nothing to be disturbed about, though. They're YOUR voices coming to us in the form of questions, comments, and suggestions to the Kranium's very own and extra special webczar. This is where you'll find a collection of your voices concerning the latest issue. Remember, we look forward to your contributions for their insight, point of view, and, quite frankly, any funny stuff we can rip off and add to Kranium.

Our Leopold & Loeb section consists of seemingly fine, upstanding ideas that have somehow degenerated into what can only be called an abomination on society. OK, maybe that's a little strong, but isn't abomination a really cool word?

Now, as you know, the human brain is a delicate organ, susceptible to all sorts of maladies and malfunctions, and Kingswood Kranium is no different. Thus, Brain Tumor is a compilation of misunderstandings, misinformation, and general misconceptions that can only be explained by a large mass of foreign material in space usually occupied by thinking tissue. But then again, we're not doctors or anything.

We're not sure if being a couch potato is a Personality Disorder, but we are certain that, given enough exposure to mediocre programming, any personality one has will become dormant through lack of use. Why anybody would want to spend all their time in front of a television instead of a computer is beyond us, anyway. But yet, as a service to our loyal readers, who may venture into other forms of entertainment and mental stimulation, we give alternatives to quality programming and the following tip: It is better to have a personality disorder than no personality at all!

Those of you who have visited Kranium in the past may remember when this section strove to offer well-thought-out, coherent content on a higher plain. Well, that took a lot out of us -- so we decided to let you do a little of the work for us. So if you're feeling funny, go see a doctor or head for Cerebrum. Ba dum-bump!

The technological innovations of the Internet are advancing faster than Huns through hippies. In Shock Therapy, we utilize some of the more advanced capabilities of the Web. Animation ... sound ... minor surgery...who knows what those computer rascals have in store for Mr. and Mrs. Websurfer? It wouldn't be too far off to say that this is the Kranium section where we're showing off just for the pure, sweet fun of it. And what's wrong with that?

There's a deep psychological disturbance that manifests itself in an individual's assuming a new identity, often without even being aware of it. This is known as a Psychogenic Fugue. At the Kranium, we believe the best way to find a new identity is to sponge off others. So, if you just take our survey, we could get a new identity, and you could sign up to be notified of new issues!

Ever conscious of the value of recycling, we at Kranium are proud to present old stuff from previous issues lovingly deposited here to make our work seem more substantial. It might have been worse, though -- if we weren't tied to this brain motif, we'd have called it Kranium Klassics. Long Term Memory... the Internet's answer to summer reruns.

Finally, something that'll really pop that old aneurysm. The Spinal Cord is where you can find links to Web pages that our staff has painstakingly reviewed for your approval, enduring hours of shrugs, guffaws, and tittering. We've seen some very boring pages--now you won't have to.

In the human brain, the corpus callosum is a big hunk of nerve fibers (not the strict medical definition) that connects the left and right hemispheres. It's true. We looked it up. In Kranium, the Corporate Callosum is a kind of transition site. Here you'll find information relating to the workings of Kingswood Advertising, but in the forms of parody, satire, and goofing on our bosses. You may want to think of this area as "Kingswood Lite." If you're starving for actual facts about the agency (a marvelous organization full of talented visionaries who pay for all this), that can be found in the Kingswood Advertising section below.

In case you're wondering just who it is who thought it necessary to bring all this to you, this is where we tell you about Kingswood Advertising, Inc. Ever since we convinced our boss that a site on the Internet was a good idea, we have been under a certain amount of pressure to make that true. This section contains the straight scoop on Kingswood. You'll learn a little about us; we'll remain employed.

Well, that's Kingswood Kranium. Please feel free to let us know what you think of it (unless you really, really hate it, of course--we've got feelings, you know), and we hope you'll be coming back again.